Tag Archives: feelings

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary

I feel a little overwhelmed

Every little thing is frustrating me into a short violently angry manner that dissipates just as rapidly as it appears leaving me feeling like I am choking back tears.

I can’t keep up

I am exhausted

I would sacrifice a virgin goddess for a few days completely and entirely alone. Just a few, or possibly a couple if a few is asking for too many. Just me, and  my dog of course. No distractions. No phone. No Social Media. No one needing me for all the things for just a day.

Sólo veinticuatro horas por favor.

I am craving a Vow Of Silence with every ounce of my being, but my lifestyle very rarely allows for such a thing. I literally penciled “Vow of Silence” into ten potentially possible days of my calendar this month.

Running a non stop flow of Airbnb guests and being MamaBear to all my friends takes a lot out of an introvert. Anyone who knows me feels my passion though. I live to serve. Sharing my light and energy gives me strength. Every ounce of my exhaustion is worth it. I love the irony in that. I grumble and groan so infrequently. Complaining about anything in my fantastically beautiful life feels like a disrespect to myself and to the universe that has gifted me so greatly.

I am grateful. Blessed. Proud.

Proud of myself. Proud of my family. Proud of the beautiful humans that I care about. Proud of people I have never even met out there making small and great changes and impacts. So grateful to be connected to so much love. So honored to be a source of light and inspiration for so many people. So damn blessed to have my love, energy, and light returned to me in so many ways.

Yet I am entire body and soul type of exhausted.

So much pain. I can no longer hold back the tears. I feel as if my mind and body are in a hundred different places. I exerted too much physical energy this weekend and I am paying for it dearly. Plus its Shark Week and I am on high emotional alert. I made too many appointments and plans, lost my planner, forgot everything, and made extra plans that I very well might never make it to. I lost count of my spoons (Read The Spoon Theory).

I’m frantically trying to keep up with these days that just keep slipping past my butter fingers. My brain feels like a dam that has bursted and been repatched up at least two dozen times. Crackled and spackled. Backed up and yet squirting and spurting. I am looking at too many tomorrows for some odd reason instead of being present and self compassionate. I know better. I am worried about the things that I am forgetting and making up excuses for the things that I already know I will somehow miss.

I am not unreliable, but my body is. My physical limitations still frustrate me a times. And very very rarely, I still get embarrassed and want to hide my flare ups and sleep attacks. Those feelings burst into an anxiety of the belief that soon my time and availability will be greatly limited and then into disappointment at my lack of self compassion.

Slow down Cloud. Breathe. Cálmate Mamita.

Be Compassionate.

Be Present.

As my vision gets blurry my writing slows down a bit. Breathe. It’s ok to feel the feels Crystal says. The feels make you who you are. That thought alone calms my soul. It’s always ok to cry when you are you. And I am always me so I let it be and leak from the eyeballs freely.

Such an incredibly beautiful grab bag of mixed emotions jivin’ and vibin’ within me at the moment. Yin and Yang. The dark forever embracing the light creating entirety. I see it all for what it is and embrace the feels.

Let it in. Let it go.

With each breath I feel more. I hurt less.

I am imperfectly human.

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I Honored My Mother With Honesty

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I Honored My Mother With Honesty

In only two days this new year has already taught me enormously important lessons. For all the things that I know about, have seen and experienced, there are an infinite amount of things that I am naïve to. There is great reward in learning from your own mistakes, fighting your own battles, and conquering your own demons. But you don’t always have to live to learn, you can also learn by sharing your experiences and thoughts with others. I think we would all feel a little less miserable if we learned to share how miserable we feel at times. Every living being suffers and struggles at one point or another in their life. When did it become so important to hide that side of living?

I am a highly sensitive empath who was raised in an environment that did not always encourage showing and sharing feelings. I was taught to hide my fears and pains and always put my best and strongest face forward. Over time and with the help of some equally sensitive souls, I grew a respect for the power that comes with feeling free and safe enough to use my words to share all aspects of feeling. At times I still get ashamed when I feel down but for the most part, I am proud of my sensitivities. I am proud that I can feel, identify my feelings, and share them with others and I am eternally grateful for the people who I have met who are as equally open with their experiences. It is truly mind blowing how many emotional similarities we find that we share with people that we are unaware of because we are all working so hard to hide the bad and show off the good. In an ideal world, people would embrace all the feels and spread them around freely so they didn’t become insecure about the thoughts that they have at times.

This week is the anniversary of my Mother’s passing and I normally work hard spending the day distracting my mind and channeling my energies in the most positive ways possible. I desperately attempt to honor my mother’s memory by being strong in hopes of making her and the rest of my family proud of my strength while on the inside I am weeping so hard at the dishonesty of my actions because the truth is, I am still heartbroken. I have moments where I recall the amazing woman that she was, the way that she devoted her life to helping others at her own expense, and the beauty that shone from every fiber of her being. I can feel her light shining through me. But for the most part, I ache for the loss of my best friend, confidant, champion, teacher and mother. I see life moments that she missed, experiences that are not being shared, advice I am not being given, and lessons I am not being helped through. I weep for the moments we will never have.

A wise new friend told me that creating stories creates our possibilities. She reminded me to channel what I was feeling into creating the possibility of new energy and new opportunities. It was an odd sensation to have my own words of wisdom given back to me when I was not clear minded enough to remember them for myself. The gentle reminder was needed for me to remember that I still have an infinite amount of strength and energy stored up within me, the choice whether to utilize it or not is entirely my own. I used to think strength was not being able to be feel, be effected by, or acknowledge negative feelings, but I am slowly learning that true strength means persevering throughout All The Feels. There is an amazing power that comes with being able to bear your soul, shed tears, and share experiences honestly.

So today, I created a new possibility in honor of my Mother in hopes of finding a more honest way of getting through this tough time of the year. I imagined a moment where it was ok to feel sad on this day and accepted it into reality. I did not cloak my sadness in cheerful distractions or numbing diversions and I did not apologize for my sadness. I awoke with tears on my pillow, I sat in the sun and sobbed my heart out with mere strangers and I accepted their unconditional love and compassion with an open heart. I am leaking from the face as I write this, I fully intend on crying myself to sleep, and I am completely ok with how I spent this day. I did not use my head to distract myself in 100 different ways, I used my heart and allowed all the feelings to rush through me. Today, for the first time since she has passed, I honored my mother with honesty.

 

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