In only two days this new year has already taught me enormously important lessons. For all the things that I know about, have seen and experienced, there are an infinite amount of things that I am naïve to. There is great reward in learning from your own mistakes, fighting your own battles, and conquering your own demons. But you don’t always have to live to learn, you can also learn by sharing your experiences and thoughts with others. I think we would all feel a little less miserable if we learned to share how miserable we feel at times. Every living being suffers and struggles at one point or another in their life. When did it become so important to hide that side of living?
I am a highly sensitive empath who was raised in an environment that did not always encourage showing and sharing feelings. I was taught to hide my fears and pains and always put my best and strongest face forward. Over time and with the help of some equally sensitive souls, I grew a respect for the power that comes with feeling free and safe enough to use my words to share all aspects of feeling. At times I still get ashamed when I feel down but for the most part, I am proud of my sensitivities. I am proud that I can feel, identify my feelings, and share them with others and I am eternally grateful for the people who I have met who are as equally open with their experiences. It is truly mind blowing how many emotional similarities we find that we share with people that we are unaware of because we are all working so hard to hide the bad and show off the good. In an ideal world, people would embrace all the feels and spread them around freely so they didn’t become insecure about the thoughts that they have at times.
This week is the anniversary of my Mother’s passing and I normally work hard spending the day distracting my mind and channeling my energies in the most positive ways possible. I desperately attempt to honor my mother’s memory by being strong in hopes of making her and the rest of my family proud of my strength while on the inside I am weeping so hard at the dishonesty of my actions because the truth is, I am still heartbroken. I have moments where I recall the amazing woman that she was, the way that she devoted her life to helping others at her own expense, and the beauty that shone from every fiber of her being. I can feel her light shining through me. But for the most part, I ache for the loss of my best friend, confidant, champion, teacher and mother. I see life moments that she missed, experiences that are not being shared, advice I am not being given, and lessons I am not being helped through. I weep for the moments we will never have.
A wise new friend told me that creating stories creates our possibilities. She reminded me to channel what I was feeling into creating the possibility of new energy and new opportunities. It was an odd sensation to have my own words of wisdom given back to me when I was not clear minded enough to remember them for myself. The gentle reminder was needed for me to remember that I still have an infinite amount of strength and energy stored up within me, the choice whether to utilize it or not is entirely my own. I used to think strength was not being able to be feel, be effected by, or acknowledge negative feelings, but I am slowly learning that true strength means persevering throughout All The Feels. There is an amazing power that comes with being able to bear your soul, shed tears, and share experiences honestly.
So today, I created a new possibility in honor of my Mother in hopes of finding a more honest way of getting through this tough time of the year. I imagined a moment where it was ok to feel sad on this day and accepted it into reality. I did not cloak my sadness in cheerful distractions or numbing diversions and I did not apologize for my sadness. I awoke with tears on my pillow, I sat in the sun and sobbed my heart out with mere strangers and I accepted their unconditional love and compassion with an open heart. I am leaking from the face as I write this, I fully intend on crying myself to sleep, and I am completely ok with how I spent this day. I did not use my head to distract myself in 100 different ways, I used my heart and allowed all the feelings to rush through me. Today, for the first time since she has passed, I honored my mother with honesty.