“Sex is dangerous, it could kill you you know. Do you have any idea what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, your core temperature rises, heart races, your blood pressure sky rockets, respiration becomes rapid and then shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere. Secretions spit out of every gland while your muscles tense and spasm as if you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly, and it’s messy, and if God hand’t made it unbelievably fun the human race would have died out eons ago.” (Lizzy Caplan as Virginia Johnson, Masters of Sex)
This is the modern era of instant gratification. We see, we want, we take. But how much of what we want do we truly need? Some of us have become so enamored by the material world and the simplistic pleasures of the flesh that it consumes us. Hearts have been broken, wars have been fought and nations have been torn apart over people allowing their base desires to drive them. Oscar Wilde was quoted to say that “Everything in the world is about sex, except Sex. Sex is about power.” Even at 18 years old I recognized my personal power as a female, and it frightened me. I did not want a power that I did not understand and could not control. I did not have women in my life growing up to teach me about my body, sex or relationships, but I have always been incredibly adapt at the art of observation.
In my early twenties my peers and surroundings began to take a toll on my libido. All around me people of all ages were freely expressing their sexuality as if we were back in the Woodstock Era. Everywhere I looked sex was being shoved down my throat via radio, TV, and real life to the MAX. Preteens were publicly tongue wrestling, middle aged couples were grotesquely groping each other, men & women felt free to speak their raunchiest minds in mixed company, and private perversions became appropriate for dinner conversations. The over sexed up society I lived in left nothing to the imagination. My life experiences even at that age were too advanced to be shocked by anything that I saw or heard, but I hit a point of disgust that I did not know how to handle. I was being told that sex was normal and healthy and everyone was doing it, but no one seemed concerned with Love. Where did all the love go?! How was I supposed to find Love while being surround by people who thought Sex and Love were one and the same?Color me distraught! I had no one that I could turn to for advice because I did not know anyone else who chose to live a life of celibacy. A tiny voice in the back of my mind reminded me that there were indeed women out there living similar lifestyles. Nuns. Having not been raised with much understanding of religion, I was in no way prepared to compare myself to a nun, but I was instantly soothed by the realization that I was not alone. Coming to that realization gave me enough strength to find all necessary answers within myself.
I was 20yrs old when I came to the conclusion that no man or woman I spoke to with romantic intentions would ever see eye to eye with my old fashioned values and my slow and steady expectations. Becoming abstinent was not just a mind conscious decision, my body helped make the choice for me. I chose to dedicate my life to energies not related to the flesh until I felt like myself and my chosen mate reached a mutual state of love, respect, and trust. Even though I was confident in my lifestyle choice there were still people in my life who felt like maybe there was something “wrong” with me. I had first heard the term Asexual (a person who has no sexual desires or feelings) used by my doctor. In an attempt to get to the bottom of my lack of libido he suggested that I take a moment to contemplate adverse factors in my life that could be blocking my sexual desire. My doctor asked me to get incredibly honest with myself, keep an open mind, and to think as far back as I could remember. I rejected the typical excuses of prescriptions or past traumas as the cause because I already knew the answer. I am unable to become sexually attracted without love, plain and simple. I knew what I wanted and I was not going to settle out of loneliness or need for human contact. I had desires just like everyone else, but I was not a slave to my body. I had such high expectations for myself and my potential mate that my body wouldn’t even function on an intimate level unless I felt connections on ALL levels.
Sex is psychological (especially for women!) and is driven by mental factors like body confidence, personal sexuality, and feelings of intimacy with a partner. I wanted, no Demanded it ALL if I was going to make the decision to share my most intimate self with another. So I chose to wait. I chose to invest my energies on my physical and mental health and building lasting relationships. I learned how to love Me with all of my heart and soul first. I took the time to discover what it was I wanted from a partner and always tried to remained upfront and honest with anyone who showed a romantic interest in me. I am human, I still crave love, companionship, mutual respect and understanding, and I still make mistakes. I experienced moments of great temptation and internal confusion, but I always felt confident in my decisions.
Being so conservative I had quite the hurdle to overcome in regards to talking about my abstinence. Even a discussion of “no sex” still feels so incredibly intimate to me that my palms sweat and I blush uncontrollably. I am wiping my hands on my pants as I type this, this particular blog post was actually written over three months ago and is only being finished today as I find the strength and courage. Sex is Power they say, and so is knowledge. So I am discovering the power within myself to share my little bit of knowledge. In my mid to late twenties I began noticing a subtle shift in my surroundings. People’s questions regarding my lifestyle choices were no longer heavily laced with sarcasm and disbelief, but with honest intrigue and respect. I still attempt to desperately calm the pink from creeping across my cheeks and always answer questions honestly, especially when asked by young generations. What began as a choice easily became a habit. If you Really want to know how to live a life of celibacy you can always read up on WikiHow. No, I am not joking, here I will even include the link for you. Don’t be shy, check it out. you know you’re curious.
Step-By-Step: How To Live A Life of Celibacy (You’re Welcome)
I have heard lots of arguments on the definition of Celibacy vs Abstinence. I encourage you to do your own research if the details are important to you. Everyone’s life choices are guided by different influences and I would hope that every one will keep an open mind towards others preferences no matter what you’re own may be. I personally chose to not involve sex in my relationships because I felt like all parties involved could learn much more about each other and from each other without the physical distractions. That was before I fell Deeply, Madly, Hopelessly, Head Over Heals In Love with TheOne and began the journey of discovering what my body was capable of ….but that’s a different story of female growth and empowerment for another day 😉
Your body is a temple. Not a visitor center.